We Indians consider our country as our mother. But yet we see a news about RAPE on TV everyday. Some people come out and file complaints at the police. While some are silenced for various reasons. So what goes on a persons mind who’s been raped or sexually abused? How do they think, how do they behave, how their life changes?
5 Women, Ayesha Syeda, Aaliya Syeda, Alifiya Khan, Neeti Sudarsi of ‘The Firefly community’ are conducting a talk/meeting today evening, where we get to listen to the brave, unheard voices and stories of Victims of sexual abuse.
To start with, 5 people share their stories with us, read ahead.
1. I Felt Suffocated
I often begin my story with “ And he put his hand under my t-shirt and started fondling with my boobs.” Except I was 6. I did not start developing boobs until 6th grade as far as I remember. And, I also had no idea that this was just the beginning. Though I haven’t been sexually abused and was only molested, it has had an impact on my brain whatsoever. I was later molested in similar ways in grade 5th, 6th, 7th to 8th (same guy at different point of time) and recently in college. I’m 21 now and each time I think about these unpleasant incidences I feel disgusting. You may not always remember every detail of it happening but, you always remember how it felt like. You remember being sad, angry, confused all at once. You remember crying and feeling suffocated. I felt suffocated mainly because I did not know who could save me. We as victims try to forget it happened but, somewhere we know we lying to ourselves. As a grown up, each time I see a little girl now, I often wonder if someone would have touched her inappropriately and maybe one day when she understands what it is she’ll feel the same way as I do. I could have told my parents but I couldn’t. They would have done something but I was afraid what if they didn’t. What if they asked me to let go. That would hurt more. Maybe if sex wasn’t a taboo we could have been more open about it. We wouldn’t be silent and we wouldn’t be silenced. So, here I am telling you my story hoping you would be more alert, approachable and wouldn’t let another victim of abuse be unheard.
2. He Touched Me Everywhere:
Although we weren’t related through blood, i treated you as one. back in my 3rd or 4th standard when i was probably 8 years old. out of many things i was looking forward to in a day, one was when my dad used to drop me off at your home for you to take care of me while my mum and dad get busy with work. it went on really well for few weeks but i don’t know what i could have possibly done for you to even think of sleeping with an 8 year old. you used to ask me to keep the bathroom door open when i used it, sometimes just walk in, other times voluntarily taking my pants of before going in, but as it happened i never doubted you of anything, at that age i didn’t even knew what a smooch was, but days passed and you did more than just removing my pants and touching me. sometimes you got yourself naked and did the same to me. touched me everywhere and did things that made me feel really bad but you made me quiet every-time saying ” shush beta. its me, you don’t have to be ashamed of me” i had no idea what you were doing but you did that with me everyday. i couldn’t tell my parents at home i couldn’t tell my friends but i didn’t realise it then what was happening to me every fucking day, but you left me a few months later i had no clue where you went but suddenly when i was much older thats when it struck me and you’ll never be able to imagine how it felt, it pricked me so fucking hard. i isolated myself and teamed up with insecurities and loneliness. i wept for hours for days and weeks, the demons in my head were louder than scream but finally one day i was over it. i was so young and immature back then but at least i had my virginity still on. i realized no matter how the situation is, try and search you’ll find something that might just counter the pain its causing. I’m not scared of you anymore neither am i angry. it’s just that you could have been a better person and would be as one my favorite aunt’s rather than the aunt that gave me nightmare’s. Goodbye
3. My Experiences with Gender made me Untouchable
People will obviously laugh at me reading the title, that I’m acutely aware of, but allow me to tell you my story, as I tolerate you when you try to make me believe in the notion of “God”. There is nothing extraordinary upon my person. I haven’t done some extraordinary feat, neither killed some monster, nor did I single- handedly protect the country from invaders; the concept of nation, I do not believe in. What I did was simple, at least to me. My tools were logic, search for explanations and dissent, of these, foremost, I was known for my dissent, but you must not believe that I was not at fault in all occasions of my registration of dissent, some were rightly directed, others were not. My parents tell me I was never a easy- to – handle kid; neither during my childhood, nor in my adolescent years and obviously not as a young adult. My story begins in the month of March of the year of 2017. The day I was released from hospital after my failed suicide attempt by drinking Phenyl, as the most- common floor cleaning agent of semi-urban India was called. This suicide attempt stemmed from the pent- up frustration of me realising my sexuality in the regressive college system of Ramakrishna Mission Vidyamandira, (my gender awareness hadn’t developed as of that time) this organisation, Ramakrishna Mission, criminalises difference in the students of the institutions it runs. I had to do things I’m not proud of to get out of that place, but they were necessary. My history does not make me a trustworthy witness. So, my story takes a leap of about 4 months, 17th of July, 2018, the day I took admission into University Of Hyderabad, which perversely is more famous for its institutional murder of Rohit’s Vemula, than academics, even if the University throws its ranking around like most private blood- sucking universities, in spite of being a centrally- funded public university. My experiences with gender, or rather rebelling against pre- conceived gender norms. During my first semester in HCU I joined SFI, which is as much a revolutionary group as the Pope of the Catholic Church is. I was expecting acceptance, from my then “comrades”, but all I got was homophobic slurs. People who used to regularly hang out with me, before I came out publicly, made it a point to ignore me, or walk away when I got near them,. They made it a point to not touch the same things I did, as if I could make them homosexual just by contamination. During the course of the semester, I came out as non- binary, and that was literally the last moment when most of the members and supporters of that organisation showed any emotion so as to pertain to the fact that I was a fellow specimen of Homo sapiens, this continues till the time I was raped. You’d think that might have made them show some sympathy and support towards my cause, but what actually happened was shocking, instead of supporting me, they ran rumours and slather campaigns on my character, for as I’m a non- binary homosexual individual, I have a tendency to have sexual contact with anyone and everyone, and that I was accusing the person who raped my to gain popularity and to siphon money from his parents. It just happened to be that the father of the person I was accusing was a person of political influence in the Muslim community of the Malabar region, and just so that CPI(M) does not loses its vote bank in the area, they played this cruel game with me, for it was a game alright, a game of victim.
You can attend the talk, and listen to more such stories at:
Date -16th September’18.
Time- 4PM onwards.
Venue- Nritya forum, Banjara Hills.
If you wish to contribute, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org